Ahem, "if i never Hold you again
"We will both be Losing something.
Something tender, And real."
Yeah, those are uh Some great lines !
Well, y'know, i won't be Reading them to myself When i audition.
I'll be reading them To probably some very uh--
Is this a One-man show ?
No, i'm reading For the part of oscar,
Who is madly in love With marie.
Maybe it was part of the way You were saying that line,
It was a little Drone-y.
Oh, you think i need To be more dynamic.
I uh--
( Enunciating ) "If i never Hold you again"--
No, dad, don't do A bad british accent.
That doesn't Make it dynamic.
Okay-- "if i never Hold you again,
We will both Be losing something."
Wait, you know what, stop !
'Cause i'll sit down And you play it to me.
Okay, you want to Feed me my line ?
Sure.
Okay, so i've just walked in, I'm in your place of business.
I don't need to Know the subtext.
You're marie, you're recently Widowed, with 2 teenage sons.
But you don't Look bad--really ?!
So, i've just Walked in.
I came in because You're altering my pants.
( Giggling )
Dad, focus !
Alright, now you're In love with me, right ?
You'd better Believe it !
So, look me in the eye And then say your line And deliver it real.
Not so stage-y.
"If i never hold you again, We will both be--"
( Giggles ) I can't do it !
I can't do it, I can't look you in the eye.
Is it the way I'm looking ?
Do you have to Look back at me ?
Well, i'm trying to Give you a loving look.
You want to show me How to do it, ben ?
You think it's Easy to act ?
If you want to do it better, I'll do it right now.
Hit me with your best shot, I'll give you the line.
Marie says to you...
"Oh, oscar..."
Alright, watch what I do here, okay.
"Oh, oscar..."
( Exhales )
"Oh, oscar."
You know what ? Let's do it again.
"Oscar !!"
Dad, watch What i'm doing !
It's very easy, Isn't it ?
Just watch what I'm doing, alright ?
I'm building A moment here.
Work with The actor.
Okay.
"Oh, oscar."
Hhmmmmhh.
( High brooklyn voice ) "If i never hold you again,
"We'll be Losing somethin'...
Somethin' Tender and real."
Yeeeaaahhhh ! C'mon !
You know, if you could Read the part of marie...
Really ?
Yeah, i would Appreciate that
Because i've only read it with Ben and it's weird, you know.
Uhm, yeah.
It will mean a lot to me If you could do it.
You mean i would Have to say that
"The feel of your arms around me Makes me want to cry ?"
That's right, but you can Interpret that any way you want.
I guess it would.
Yeah.
What do you mean, tom, that "You were raised on fat elvis" ?
By the time i became aware of Elvis, it was like 69, 70, 71.
He was already Fat elvis.
He was just some big guy In a leisure suit
Sweating via satellite from Hawaii or las vegas somewhere.
I remember my brother and i Being mystified by elvis.
He's up there jiggling around On the stage
And women in the audience Are just going crazy...
They're throwing underwear And brassieres at him
And my older brother-- A little more sophisticated-- Was just mad at this !
Look at this guy !
Why are they throwing Their bras at him ?
I was like, "duh, He obviously needs them !"
I think it would be nice to Have fans that are so dedicated
That when your boobies Start flopping around
They throw you something To bind them with.
( Whispering) Elvis, your boobies... Here, Take my brassiere, take it !
So you grew up with A very distorted sense Of who this man was.
I didn't know He was a cool guy.
The same way that I grew up thinking that
The beatles were A rank imitation Of "the monkees".
Helloooo, beatles, Get your own ideas !
Quit stealing from The monkees, helloooo ?!
I don't know, I'm a little Uncomfortable
That you might be doing Community theatre.
Why is that ?
It's kind of desperate.
I mean, You're not umm...
What they call in the Theatre business, "talented".
And you're not a skilled actor, That's why i don't like--
I mean acting Is a craft.
So professionals Should be doing it.
That's why people Go see them !
Ben, community theatre is a Place for people like myself,
Who have talent.
( Giggle )
Why is That funny ?
If i was performing in A professional company--
You'd get fired !
You did some theatre In high school,
So you know how Exciting that is.
I did it because you... Pushed me in that direction.
I didn't Push you, I think.
That's not a good direction For a father to push his son,
--Musical theatre !
Why didn't you just say, "Hey, play baseball, son !"
Any kid can Hit a home run.
I didn't have a lot of fun Doing those things, though.
Yeah.
I don't think i was Meant for the stage.
We did "grease", Remember that ?
Yes. That was exciting.
Yeah.
I think it was confusing Because you were going through
All these adolescent Experiences, you know.
Your body was like A playground for hormones.
Yes, you can say it, I had an erection on stage.
That's embarrassing.
It was embarrassing, But you got over it.
For me, it was also A very proud moment.
Aw, dad.
In college, My whole life
Revolved around The theatre, you know.
Really ?
I was very shy In college
Until i joined This theater group.
We did theatre games...
What are those ?
Just like, where you Pretend you're a flower,
And you have to blossom...
( Snicker )
I learned more about The stamen in this class...
But i did get cast In "the fantastiks" And that was a real--
What is that ?
"Fantastiks" Is a musical.
Oh, right !
I can't picture you doing Musical theatre, though.
The one thing about Musical theatre is
The whole trick is just, To look surprised, constantly.
( Chuckle )
Because it's Always awkward To burst into song
In the middle of a play.
Just raise your eyebrows and Then it doesn't look so weird...
* Ben, please Pass the peas *
Hi, laura !
Hi !
Can i go in now ?
Why don't you Have a seat, ron.
Doo-dala-di-doo... Hey, let's do a wave !
Nnn-no.
Yeah, alright.
Guess how much change I have in my pocket ?
( Sigh )
A nickel, you're right, How did you know ?
I'm sorry, i'm a... Little late, Because i couldn't get a cab.
( Buzz )
Uh... I'm psyched to be here, I'm ready to open up...
( Buzzzzz )
And umm...
I don't want to Play this game, ron.
I don't wanna Do this.
I think we're getting Very far with our therapy.
( Buzzzzz )
Hmmm, that's odd.
So, ron, when you're Done playing this game
And you would like to Talk about yourself...
And your life... I will be here.
My life is uh... You know what ? It's not totally together.
But it's enough together where I'm feeling good about it.
( Buzzz )
Ron, you can lie to yourself, But you can't lie to me.
You're just a guy Living in denial.
I am not in denial ! ( Buzz )
I am not ! ( Buzz )
I'm not in d-- ( Buzz )
I'm not in d-- ! ( Buzz )
I'm--
Alright, I'm in denial.
( Beeping fanfare )
Told you !
Dr. Katz, i just Wanted to ask you uhh...
I don't understand Why i'm here.
That's easy... Let me just check my notes.
Ron, you're here to help you Feel more comfortable
Talking about issues-- Problems in your life.
Which is very expensive For me not to say anything.
That's why i was Trying to figure out What i was doing here.
No, i think it's Important that you Understand how it works.
Once you lose Track of that,
It just seems like A bad conversation.
But this is not a bad Conversation, right ?
No, no, i'm not Talking about you and me.
I'm saying oft-times, In therapy
It feels like a conversation That's not going well.
And it's not supposed To be a conversation.
It's not ? No !
Oh... Well that's good, 'cause I'm not good at conversation.
How are you ?
I'm okay, thanks.
'Member you Were telling me
That i need some way Of organizing my life ?
Right.
I've got a little uh-- I don't know what they call it.
It's for your memory, You can record things on it !
Right.
So, let me play Some of the things
I've been recording For myself on it.
( Recording ) I have to come up With a device
To help me out with my uh, My memory problems
And help me remember Little things.
Well, that's The idea, yeah.
Is it useful to you ?
Umm, yeah.
Let me play you another one Of the messages.
( Recording ) Embrace the day !
Oops ! That's not the--
Enjoy life !
I can't shut it off.
I'm sorry.
Don't forget to Put this device away
When you're done Listening to the messages.
You see, ron, that machine's not Working for you at this point.
The other pocket !
Oops !
I'm so surprised About the way
This whole thing's Taking over my life.
I'm terrified Of this audition.
You're nervous ?
I haven't done theatre In 30 years, stanley,
And i wasn't That good, then.
Well, let me tell ya, i have Quite the background in theatre.
I worked with A lot of the greats.
You just take a nice deep Cleansing breath--
( Hissy inhale )
No, no, no. Cleansing breath.
( Snoring inhale )
There you go !
Try to feel your hands-- Relax your hands.
Try to feel your feet-- Relax your feet.
Try to feel uhh... Anything else-- Try relax that.
Hey, is that my foot ?
That's mine !
Let it ooze out, Let it all ooze out.
Stanley, the Problem is--
That's the way We used to do it.
Here's the thing that's Getting me nervous...
I'm reading for a role of Oscar in "love's retreat".
I feel fraudulent, You know...
Really ?
As a romantic lead In the play.
Jon, you'll be great !
That's very sweet Of you, julie,
But i wish i could Believe that.
I can help you With that, y'know.
I've got a whole lot Of experience.
I was with the "Theatre by the trees", For several seasons.
And with "theatre by the rocks" As well.
There was a Period of 20 years
Where you couldn't pay me To go to the theatre.
I think this is the time You're talking about.
Yeah, well, most people Like a performance where
You'd scream as much As you could and take Your clothes off.
Yeah, i tried to Show up at the end.
Yeah.
Hey, ben ! Hi, dad !
What's up ? 'Cause i got One person in the waiting room
So you only got A second here.
What's going on ?
You've read Stanislovky, Right ?
I picked up his book Today at the library.
Oh, did you ?
Yeah, there's uh... Great exercise in here--
You know, i'd love to talk about This later, can we do that ?
Well, i think we should Talk about it now--
Hurry up, because I really gotta go.
Well, your audition Is coming up very soon
And i want to Get you prepared.
What do i Need to do ?
I want you to first, Believe in yourself.
I believe in myself.
One: walk around With confidence.
Know that you're Gonna get this part.
It wouldn't hurt you to say, "I am oscar, i am oscar".
Okay, i am oscar, I am oscar.
But sell it more !
I am oscar !
Now, i have an imaging exercise That i would like you to do
That i got Out of the book.
Okay, i'm not sure i'm Gonna have the time to do--
Shut your eyes, Shut your eyes !
Are they shut ?
Uh-huh.
Now, conjure up a memory of... A painful experience.
Okay.
You got it ?
Yup.
Alright, How do you feel ?
Owww !
What's happening ?
We're having breakfast.
This morning ?
Yup.
How was That painful ?
Well, 'cause you kept Interrupting me.
No, dad, more Painful than that.
Okay, it's A spinal tap.
Have you ever had one ? No.
Well, you can't make up A painful experience-- A real one.
Okay, big thing Fell on my head.
No, no, not Painful physically...
I mean emotionally.
Ooh. Your mother.
Ummm...
Your mother Left me...
And you.
Thanks a lot for Ruining my morning, dad.
You made me say it !
I was looking for Something painful.
The point is i read More in the book
You're not supposed to Tell me what it is.
It doesn't have to be-- To be painful for you too.
You don't have to blurt it out And hurt someone else.
Okay.
Okay, i'm conjuring up A painful memory...
You know what, skip The painful this time.
We're gonna do A different one.
Same exercise, but Now pleasant memory.
Hold on one second, ben.
( Beep )
Laura, tell him To wait,
I'm running about 2 minutes late, okay ?
Okay, i got it.
How do you feel ?
Pleasant.
What are we Dealing with ?
I thought i'm not Supposed to tell you !
Well, you can go ahead and Tell me the pleasant one.
I'm picturing you and me and Your mother at the beginning
When things Were so good.
Dad, every memory is Me, you, and mom ?
Not every memory.
Wooops, it's the day Kennedy got shot.
Okay, good.
I think i see your Mother in the background.
Odd !
I spent some time In los angeles,
A place that i just Can't get a bead on.
It is a large Metropolitan city
That can be crippled By 2 drops of rain !
Mm-hmm.
You'd be driving along 2 drops Of rain on your windshield.
Bleep bleep, Turn on the wiper--
Creek-- It's gone !
Go home, turn on Your television--
Rain pounds The southland !
Is there any End in sight ?!
Meanwhile, i call up my 72-year-old father in Syracuse, new york.
He's just finished Shoveling the roof !
And he doesn't see anything Weird about that
Because that's just Something you deal with
In a place that Has a climate !
How's it going, dad ?
Uuhhh, pretty good, I just shoveled our roof.
We had some Snow up there so...
Mary corona, next door, Was feeling poorly.
As long as i had the ladder out I shoveled her roof too.
How're things going out There in california ?
Jesus, dad, Haven't you heard ?
Rain is pounding The southland !
We're on a defcon-4 Drizzle alert, dad !
We're all on Needles and pins !
And god forbid there should be A real disaster !
Like a real earthquake, 'Cause even the tiniest, Most infinitesimal,
Inconsequential of earthquakes Are of huge importance.
They will stay on the air For like 9 hours straight
Telling you about some Dinky little quake
Out in the Desert somewhere...
Here's more on the 1.9 Level quake out in smallville.
You see the tape From a&p and mini-market
You can see that can of Juicy juice on the bottom shelf
Just go over And hit the floor and roll.
We have carey bergland there At that a&p and mini-market.
He was there and he saw that can Of juicy juice
Hit the linoleum, carey ?
Actually, the juicy juice is in Aisle "6", i was in aisle "5",
I did not see The juicy juice fall
But god knows i heard it
And it is a sound i hope Never to hear again-- tim ?
They have nothing to say !
And then your news-- The news you're watching To be informed about the world
Becomes the "What if..." News !
Today's earthquake out In the desert was a 1.9
Just a small temblor according To seismologists at ucla.
But what if It had been a 9.1 ?
Would you survive ?
Would your Family survive ?
Our 25-part series "Surviving the big one"
Starts this week On channel 7 news.
We urge you and your family To watch !
What if the Big quake hit ?
What if you were Working in a store
That sold nothing but sharp Jagged knives made of glass !
Would you survive ?
Would your Family survive ?
The thing that Surprises me, stanley,
Is how much this role Has taken over my life.
I have a little Expertise in Direction.
Perhaps you and julie Could... Maybe--
Just improvise That scene ?
Well, i wouldn't Ask her to do that.
Would that Help you, jon ?
I don't mind doing it.
It would be An enormous help
But i wouldn't be Comfortable asking You to do that.
C'mon, she says She wants to.
Yeah, that's okay.
Okay, page 11.
In the scene before that, I've confessed to my cousin,
But really to myself That i'm attracted to you.
Ahhh !
Let me sit over here, I want to get a good seat here.
Why don't you stand Closer together ?
Get a little Closer together.
Okay. Okay.
And... Katz, first line Is yours, and...
Action.
You look so... So radiant, marie !
How are you ?
I'm okay, y'know, i didn't Sleep very well last night.
How about you ?
I'm fine, but we Need to talk, marie.
We really Need to talk !
About...?
I just thought that Ever since harry died,
I feel like you've--
( Giggles )
Uh ever since harry died, I feel like
You've been Keeping me At a distance,
Almost pushing me away.
I don't know what you're talking About, oscar, that's just crazy.
Why do you think I have my pants altered On such a regular basis ?
Ha ha ha, sorry.
Okay, i'll feed you That line again.
Okay !
Why do you think I have my pants altered On such a regular basis ?
I don't know, why ?
Because it's an Excuse to see you,
To spend time with you, To be near you.
Well, is that true ?
Yes, it is.
Because there've been times When i felt like i...
Can't go another day Without seeing you.
It's just our Lives are so...
Look at me, look in my eyes and Tell me that you don't love me.
Marie approaches Oscar slowly.
Jonathan, do you know how long I've dreamed of this moment ?
Do you have Any idea ?
They kiss passionately.
This is good, this is good !
You guys have a Chemistry or something !
I felt-- i was moved !
Especially the part when you Called oscar, jonathan !
No, i did not !
That was an Innocent mistake.
What does Freud call those ?
Uh yeah, Something "slips".
That was not A freudian slip.
A freudian slip is when You say, not what you intended
But what you Actually mean.
Yeah ! Yeah, That's right !
Uh-huh.
Let's try that Scene again.
Just the part-- just Take it back to where...
Umm, where you kiss me.
( Giggles )
Ha ha ha !
And, stan, you don't Have to stick around.
I have to tell you, ben, I am like--
My heart's Gonna explode !
Dad, relax.
That's why I brought these.
What is that ?
No, no, i'm kidding. Don't take those !
Dad, dad ! Calm down !
I just... I'm worried What's gonna happen.
I'm afraid i'm gonna blurt Something out that i don't mean.
Well... Just you know--
Or something i mean That shouldn't be saying.
I'm afraid i'm Gonna kiss the guy !
Dad, stop talking !
Alright, maybe that's A good approach.
Just shut up For a second.
Try to focus.
Oh, my god, dad !
Dad, don't tell any jokes When you get in there.
Really ? 'Cause my Inclination is to Open with a joke.
No, don't do that, Just follow the rules,
Listen to the guy,
And do the audition The way you've been Rehearsing it.
Okay.
But better !
Oh, hello, Hello, good evening !
Oh you must be Mr. Hammer, i'm dr. Katz.
We spoke briefly, This is my son, ben.
Please, come in.
Thank you very much for Sticking around so late.
I have your membership Application and i have Your check.
Mr. Hammer, i can sit Right here, right ?
Oh yes, yes.
It's okay if i--
Right there is fine.
He kinda needs me.
Susshh ! Sshh !
So you direct ?
Yes.
That's good--
Quiet ! Quiet !
Hey, ben !
Yeah, dad, Right here !
You can't see me Because of the lights.
I can't see you But i can hear you.
So just...
You're doing fine So far, though.
May we have quiet In the house, please ?
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
You're The director !
Why don't we pick it up On the bottom of page 18.
Let's pick it up on The bottom of page 18, dad !
Uhmmmm... I will read marie--
Remember how we Did it at home, dad !
Sssshh !!
Bring life to it !
Please, please, please A little theatre decorum.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Usually i have to Get him up for it.
From the top please !
Well, why do you think I have my pants altered,
Ahem, on such a Regular basis ?
Oooh.
I don't know... Whyyyy ?
Ha ha ha !
Ah, concentration, Dr. Katz !
I'm sorry, I lost my place.
Dad !
Dad, take 5 !
And please continue, Please continue !
Because it's an Excuse to see you,
To spend time with you, To be near you.
Is that true ? Because There have been times
When i felt like I can't go another day
Without seeing youuuuu.
I'm sorry. Can i interrupt ?
What is it ? What is it ?
I think you're being A little big with marie.
No no no ! Shh, shhh !!!
I think you're Rattling my dad.
Ben, stay Out of this !
If you want to know,
It is the way the scene Has been performed
Since ellen terry did it.
Ellen terry ?
She was famous For the "youuuuuuuu".
Alright.
Why don't you pick it up From the top of page 17.
Okay.
And... Action !
( Stifled snicker )
I'm sorry, it's this... This line...
Dad ! Dad !
Tell him, tell him How much i was laughing
When we read It together.
Yeah, he did it much better Without the laugh.
Okay, let me Try it again.
Why do you think I have my pants altered
On such a regular basis ?
I don't know... Whyyyy ?
Now do the laugh.
Ha ha ha !
Now, there ya' go.
I don't think this is a Particularly funny scene.
Oh man. Dad, get Ahold of yourself.
I'm sorry.
Dad, look at me.
Ha ha ha Haaaaa !
I think he has severe Concentration problems.
Dad, i don't think It's going well.